11:44AM PST, Dec 12, 2009
[ed, #badelf “Bad Elf: A Dark Christmas Serial (Killer)” comes from the happy mind of Samuel Montgomery-Blinn @montsamu]
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11:44AM PST, Dec 12, 2009
[ed, #badelf “Bad Elf: A Dark Christmas Serial (Killer)” comes from the happy mind of Samuel Montgomery-Blinn @montsamu]
12:00PM PST, Dec 12, 2009
I tried to be a good elfâ€"really I didâ€"but everything turned out wrong. Sharp-edged toys. Jack-In-The-Box demons. That kind of thing.
9:00AM PST, Dec 13, 2009
Everything changed the year I canceled Christmas. It had started innocently enough, drugging and gagging a cute young elf or two.
10:00AM PST, Dec 13, 2009
The other elves tried to give me other jobs more suitable to my gifts. Like reindeer euthanasia technician and pest exterminator.
3:00PM PST, Dec 14, 2009
It ended in my banishment from the Workshop, a year without Christmas, & the explanation behind Rudolph’s untimely, gruesome death.
8:00AM PST, Dec 15, 2009
Ernst came looking for me, nosing around about the missing elves. I told him to “get packaged.” He came back with Santa in tow.
10:00AM PST, Dec 16, 2009
I narrowed my eyes at Santa. “You want me to tell Mrs. Claus about that Christmas in Bedford Falls? With Mrs. Robertson?”
10:30AM PST, Dec 16, 2009
I was as shocked as Santa when the jolly old elf clubbed me with a miniature Louisville Slugger. I woke to darkness and burlap.
11:00AM PST, Dec 17, 2009
“Let me out of here you gnomes! Or I swear to Claus I’ll carve you & eat your livers!” No response. Elves have no sense of humor.
10:00AM PST, Dec 18, 2009
I was being dragged across the snow. Through the burlap I could start to smell the familiar offal & manure of the reindeer butchery.
9:00PM PST, Dec 18, 2009
“That’s enough struggling.” Ernst said. He would have to die. Soon. My fingers closed around the scalpel I kept in my elfin boot.
9:00PM PST, Dec 19, 2009
As soon as I heard the iron bars lock shut, I cut through the burlap and burst onto the red-stained concrete. The other elf had a crowbar.
9:00PM PST, Dec 20, 2009
Ernst shouted for help, but in the Christmas rush, every elf was on the Lines. We circled, him sweating, my laughter echoing wildly.
5:00PM PST, Dec 21, 2009
I cackled & slashed out with my scalpel, snicking his jugular. Ernst was a fountain, stumbling backwards, hand clenched to his neck.
10:00AM PST, Dec 22, 2009
The dying elf collapsed onto a floor switch, opening a slaughterhouse cell. Rudolph, rabid as a werewolf, snorted into the open.
10:00AM PST, Dec 23, 2009
Grappling, tongue out to taste the madness in Rudolph’s breath, I stabbed him in the eye and hauled his carcass to the grinder.
10:00AM PST, Dec 24, 2009
The resulting encephalitis outbreak caused the worst stoppage in the Lines in 200 years. Dozens dead, Christmas was cancelled.
8:00AM PST, Dec 25, 2009
“I know we’ve all suffered a tragic loss.” I could hear Santa’s memoriam as I trudged away from the Pole. “But accidents do happen.”
4:00PM PST, Dec 26, 2009
I ruminated upon what I was giving up, leaving the Workshop, the only home I’d ever known—but the elves frowned on mass murder.
4:00PM PST, Dec 27, 2009
Oh, the memories! Elk tipping; that Christmas when one of my toys got past QA and little Timmy lost an eye; happy, happy times.
4:00PM PST, Dec 28, 2009
I’d miss the reindeer games, the narwhal riding, & the plentiful, innocent smiles. But the singing & Santa worship? Good riddance.
4:00PM PST, Dec 29, 2009
My path lit dimly red by the nose on Rudolph’s severed head, my mood lightened. Maybe New York would be my kind of town.
4:00PM PST, Dec 30, 2009
I traveled by iceberg, penguin flotilla, and finally hitchhiked across the border, passing for a poor, lost circus performer.
5:00PM PST, Dec 31, 2009
Amidst the bedlam of the ball drop in Times Square, I knew I had found my new home. Everyone here was just as demented as me.
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