#DrGnome

8:51AM PST, Mar 1, 2009

[ed, is the Diary of a Mad Scientist Garden Gnome by @AletheaKontis]

10:12AM PST, Mar 1, 2009

I have a cousin, Seamus Gnome, on MySpace. He’s all obssessed about bacon on cats. Mad Scientists should really be on Twitter.

10:30AM PST, Mar 1, 2009

Abandoned rabbit warren: Free. Fine-lined journal: $15.95. XXS lab coat & goggles: $45. LandLady’s lost PDA & free wifi: PRICELESS.

12:12PM PST, Mar 1, 2009

Diary of Dr. Harry Gnome — Day 1: It’s difficult to be menacing when you’re 3 apples high. Need growth serum. And a ray gun.

8:12AM PST, Mar 2, 2009

Day 2: Mini Erlenmeyer flasks impossible to find. Dollhouse kits=MajorFail. Who builds a dollhouse without a secret lab, I ask you?

8:12AM PST, Mar 3, 2009

Day 3: Continue to be a sad loser without wheels. Need DeLorean. Or veggie hovercraft. Tomato? Pumpkin transportation=too cliche.

8:12AM PST, Mar 4, 2009

Day 4: Stone Fountain Fairy Janet by AGAIN today to borrow sugar. Pretty, but absentminded. Sheesh. (Note to self: BUY MORE SUGAR)

8:12AM PST, Mar 5, 2009

Day 5: Researching growth serum recipe. Not hair. Will look into Bovine GS. (Note to self: Ignore email spam with regard to same.)

8:12AM PST, Mar 6, 2009

Diary of Dr. Gnome — Day 6: Tomato hovercraft a bust. Mushy outside; mushy inside. Salsa, anyone?

8:12AM PST, Mar 7, 2009

Day 7: Scrap metal: check. Uranium: check. Prism: check. Welding torch: check. Ray gun design? STEAMPUNK ALL THE WAY, BAYBEE!

10:12AM PST, Mar 7, 2009

Whoops! Almost forgot—DST will leave one hour less to work on the ray gun. Good. Needed reason to overnight uranium.

8:12AM PDT, Mar 8, 2009

Day 8: Backyard Daily News: Mad Scientist Garden Gnome ISO NS Asst/Igor/Guinea Pig. Long arms to reach top shelves preferred.

8:12AM PDT, Mar 9, 2009

Eureka! Excavation behind woodshed uncovered half-buried Sock Monkey. Exhumation=8 hours. Reanimation planned 4 next thunderstorm.

10:12AM PDT, Mar 9, 2009

Diary of Dr. Gnome — Day 9: V. crotchety today. Blu J came to share a song and a smile — left w/singed wings. RAY GUN FTW!

8:12AM PDT, Mar 10, 2009

Right knee aches (feral cat wound); storm tonight. Reanimation prep: tin can, wire hanger, paperclip, staples, rusty nails—CHECK

6:00PM PDT, Mar 10, 2009

Diary of Dr. Gnome Day 10: Sock Monkey revivification a success. IT’S ALIVE!!

8:12AM PDT, Mar 11, 2009

Sock Monkey Trial A: Fail. Must find new button eyes and black thread for tail reattachment. (Note: Ask Fairy Janet for supplies)

8:12AM PDT, Mar 12, 2009

Diary of Dr. Gnome — Day 12. Contemplating platform KISS boots undernreath lab coat. Think Fairy Janet would notice?

10:12AM PDT, Mar 12, 2009

Sock Monkey Trial B: Fail. No perceptible change as a result of growth serum. Dr. Harry Gnome never surrenders!

8:12AM PDT, Mar 13, 2009

Sock Monkey Trial C: Fail. No Change. Almost sliced my pinky finger off, though. Don’t ask.

10:12AM PDT, Mar 13, 2009

Day 13: Fairy Janet played nursemaid to my poor, wretched bloody finger. Calculating possible frequency 4 other severed phalanges.

8:12AM PDT, Mar 14, 2009

Sock Monkey Trial D: Fail. Blue Tidy-Bowl tint should fade with time, or rainwater. (Note: Visit Fairy Janet’s fountain)

8:12AM PDT, Mar 15, 2009

Sock Monkey Trial E: Unsure. Slightly elongated arms & legs may be result of drip-drying. Will continue to monitor progress.

10:12AM PDT, Mar 15, 2009

In fit of desperation, offered up soul of Sock Monkey subject to Outer Gods. Need to stop drinking nectar straight from the vine.

8:12AM PDT, Mar 16, 2009

Day 16: GET OFF MY LAWN!!! Secret Lab Warren reinfested by rabbits. Sock Monkey subject nowhere to be found.

10:12AM PDT, Mar 16, 2009

All instruments now tainted by rabbit cooties. NASTY WORD. Must sterilize. Barbie Level A Hazmat suit unflattering shade of pink.

12:12PM PDT, Mar 16, 2009

Test fire ray gun on unsuspecting snail & *poof* RABBIT EARS. Ray gun has rabbit cooties! Am laughing stock. Kill me now, please.

8:12AM PDT, Mar 17, 2009

Backyard Daily News: Singer Blu J found dead at stone fountain. Banana peel determined COD. Fairy Janet understandably distraught.

10:12AM PDT, Mar 17, 2009

Day 17: Sgt. Owl, Backyard PD courtesy visit regarding encounter w/Blu J. Demo of Rabbitizing ray gun allays suspicion. Whew.

12:12PM PDT, Mar 17, 2009

Sgt. Owl inquires on whereabouts o’Lucky the Leprechaun. Pot o’gold discovered full of bananas, cottonballs, & single black button.

8:12AM PDT, Mar 18, 2009

Day 18: Watermelon shell seems colorful yet promising transport. Drawing up schematics today. Pencils still reek of rabbit.

8:12AM PDT, Mar 19, 2009

Day 19: Customization of protective lab eyewear into aviator goggles surprisingly easy. Gettin’ the hang of this Mad Scientist gig.

8:12AM PDT, Mar 20, 2009

Day 20: Banana peels mysteriously turning up all over Backyard. Wonder if escaped Sock Monkey subject could be connected. Aw, CRAP.

6:00PM PDT, Mar 20, 2009

Vernal Equinox dinner w/Fairy Janet & Stray Cat Six. Her heart’s not in it. I may be a great scientist, but am horrible boyfriend.

8:12AM PDT, Mar 21, 2009

Backyard Daily News: Stray Cat Six disappears from box under deck into thin air. I smell trouble, catnip, and bananas.

8:12AM PDT, Mar 22, 2009

The Squirrel Mafia has taken over the trees. The Martins boarded up their houses & fled to chimneys. No one is safe. I am to blame.

8:12AM PDT, Mar 23, 2009

Rampant deaths & disappearances have Backyard on edge. Fired ray gun Postman Robin yesterday. Instant Rabbitization. Oops.

8:12AM PDT, Mar 24, 2009

Scream heard last night by the stone fountain. Sugar pile, banana peel, no Fairy Janet. Holster ray gun. Time to hunt Sock Monkey.

8:12AM PDT, Mar 25, 2009

Day 25: Much guilt over Fairy Janet’s kidnapping. Worse, all I have to save her: big brains & Rabbitizing ray gun. I am in trouble.

10:12AM PDT, Mar 26, 2009

Day 26: Caught a lead today. Followed trail of banana-flavored fairy dust behind shed. Heard girly tears & monkey chatter. Bingo.

8:12AM PDT, Mar 27, 2009

Surprised Monster Monkey with Fairy Janet in a headlock. Luckily, stone fairies have soft hearts, but TOUGH SKIN. That’s my girl.

10:12AM PDT, Mar 27, 2009

Fairy Janet said, “Shoot!” Morphed Evil Monster Sock Monkey from prehensile tail to cottontail. RABBITIZING RAY GUN FTW!

12:12PM PDT, Mar 27, 2009

You know how the heroes get kissed in movies? Turns out Mad Scientists get kissed like that too. As do Garden Gnomes.

8:12AM PDT, Mar 28, 2009

Turned Sock Monkey/Rabbit Monster in to Backyard PD. Sgt. Owl decided to eat his collar. One bite; maybe two. Big fan of owls, me.

8:12AM PDT, Mar 29, 2009

Backyard Daily News: “Dr. Harry Gnome, Rabbit Scientist: Saves Backyard, Gets Girl.” RABBIT SCIENTIST?!?

8:12AM PDT, Mar 30, 2009

Day 30: Air seems fine today. Balloon adjusted for weight of Stone Fairy girlfriend. Watermelon dirigible test run go for tonight.

10:12AM PDT, Mar 30, 2009

Janet’s soft rabbit ears blow breezily as we sail watermelon dirigible over the Backyard & wave at the crowds. Works for me.

8:12AM PDT, Mar 31, 2009

Diary of Dr. Gnome — Day 31 — final entry: Got the bad guy, got the wheels, got the girl. Not a bad month. REALLY need new ray gun.